Notes from the Nervous Breakdown Lane

by John 
Vorhaus

J.V.'S NEW COMPUTER

I have a new computer, and I'm very excited. Formerly shackled to an IBM PC-Junior, the dinosaur of the computer age, I'm at last free to graze in the pastures of digital plenty. I can buy sophisticated poker simulation programs now. I can configure my own fantasy casino, people my metaphorical card games with rocks and sharks and loose tourists and any other archetype my twisted mind can cobble up. Then I can run test after test after test, finding out if my Q-4 start in hold 'em is really as strong as I think it is. Yes, I can do all this. I now have the tools to jump through any analytical hoop you can name. But will I do it? Nah, not a chance.

The thing is, I don't really like numbers all that much. Figuring implied odds just gives me a headache. If there are three nines out against me, I can usually deduce that the chances of pairing my nine are pretty slim, but that's about as far as my math skills go. So I'm not likely to spend a lot of time crunching numbers on my new computer. I'd rather play Dungeons 'n' Dragons. You don't have to count there. All you have to do is remember that the wine in the golden goblet is a deadly poison. That's simple. That's reality I can handle.

But there's this guilt thing nagging me. I mean, here I am with this column, this beautiful forum for scattering my pearls of wisdom from Reno to Pacheco and thence to parts unknown. If I staunchly reject the numbers of poker, how can I call myself a card player, much less a Card Player columnist? 

Answer: I can't. Going into a poker game without number consciousness is like going to war with dud grenades. I'm neglecting half my ammunition, and as George Bush would say, that's baa-aa-ad. Wouldn't be prudent.

Okay, okay, I hear you, and you're right. There's more to poker than numbers. There's psychology, concentration, observation, discipline, money management and lots of other really important stuff. I don't disagree. All I'm saying is that if I took the time to learn the math involved, then all my other decisions would be reinforced by sound logic. That, dear friends, would be a refreshing change of pace.

So today I'm making a New Year's resolution (I know it's October--don't pick nits). From now on I'm devoting at least a few bytes of my metaphorical hard disk to the study of poker's bolts and nuts. I'm going to track betting units. I'm going to learn about pot odds. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. 

And the dizzying prospect of dividing 47 by seven.

Maybe you'll join me in this. After all, we share the same goal: to have fun by playing winning poker. We should be willing to do just about anything in service of that goal, including (gulp!) a little homework. Who knows, we might even like it. We'll certainly like having the big chips at our position, instead of down there in front of the calculator-head in seat six.

Okay, that's it. My computer and I are taking the plunge. Any suggestions? Anybody out there know of a good, user-friendly poker simulation for a math basket case like me? Send your recommendations (or, heck, sends your disks, I don't mind) to me, JV, c/o this magazine. Till next time, play tough, stay sane (count hard!) and I'll see you in the nervous breakdown lane.