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HOW TO HOST A SMOKIN' POKER GAME by John Players come and go -- they die, divorce, move on -- but a good home poker game takes on a life of its own. Here's everything you need to know for starting and sustaining yours. Home poker. For those of us with a regular game, it's a shining beacon in the fog of an otherwise bleak week. No matter how bad life gets, we smile through our days, knowing that we'll be playing poker with our pals again come Monday or Tuesday or whatever day nirvana happens to fall this week. Home poker. Some say it's proof of God's love. If you don't have a regular game, don't despair. Given that upwards of 20 million Americans play this famous game of chance-and-skill, you're probably surrounded by a slew of eager pokerphiles just waiting for someone to step up and organize a game. If you build it, as the saying goes, they will come. But Rome, as another saying goes, wasn't torched in a day. Building a great home poker game takes planning, perseverance, a fair chunk of time and a small outlay of cash. It also takes a template which, fortunately, you now have. Herewith, then, everything you need to host the kind of smokin' poker game that will make you the envy of friends and degenerates worldwide. IF YOU BUILD IT, WHO WILL COME? Unless solo poker is your idea of big fun, the first thing you'll need for your game is players. Five is the minimum number for a playable game. Six is better, seven or eight is best. To find these worthies, simply spread the word among friends and co-workers, softball or golf cronies -- maybe not chums from the church group. Set a date far enough in advance that people can put it firmly on their calendars, then keep recruiting till you fill your table. There's one thing you'll want all your players to have, and it's not loose money, nor ineffable faith in drawing to an inside straight, though those are good too. No, what you want most from your poker group is commitment. Whether you play once a week, a month or an equinox, everyone in the game must understand that poker comes first on poker night. Otherwise you'll end up with two or three players passing each other's money back and forth, and your game will die of ennui. So seek players who will make the game a priority -- and seek them regardless of gender. Granted, home poker games have traditionally been single-sex affairs, a chance for the boys (or girls) to hang out alone together and let down their hair. But why restrict your search for able poker players to half the human gene pool? Enthusiasm, reliability, good sportsmanship, quick wit, ready cash... these are the qualities you want in each and every member of your poker gang. Don't worry too much whether they pee lid-up or lid-down. These are the '90s, after all. Male or female, the first question most prospective players will ask is, "What are the stakes?" Good question. The short answer is, high enough to hurt. Poker is meant to be fun and all, but if you can't take the stakes seriously, then it isn't real poker, so it isn't real fun. Figure out what everyone's comfortable with... then push it just a squidge higher. If you recruit players from basically the same income level, then finding the right limit shouldn't be a problem. You can always start low and work your way up to higher wagers as players learn the game, and each other, and start to thirst -- which they will over time -- for a bigger and better buzz. But when people ask, "What are the stakes?" they're really asking, "How much do I stand to lose?" As a rule of thumb, you can expect swings (wins or losses) of approximately 25 times the amount of the game's largest bet. If you're playing two-dollar limit, look for a $50 swing. If you're playing $100 limit, you'd better be prepared to drop several grand into the game, or you shouldn't be there at all. Bottom line: If you're putting a house payment into a poker game, that's probably too much, unless you have lots of spare payments lying around the house. But if you can go to a movie on what you could conceivably lose in your home poker game, then you might as well hit the flicks instead. Better use of your time. PREPPING THE GAME Game day arrives. You've assembled a hearty crew of would-be Mavericks, and everyone is raring to go. Suddenly you realize that you don't have a clue how to set up for the game. No worries -- you've strategically clipped and saved this article, so now you have a handy list of everything you need. First, the table. Do you have to go out and buy one of those fancy folding octagons with the little plastic chip trays and recessed drink holders? Certainly not, though it's cool if you do. Prices for this item range from $100 to "how much ya got?" But if there's no money in your household budget for a poker table (because the kids are being fussy, say, and clamoring for food), you can get by with a standard dining room table, provided you cover it with pads or a thick cotton cloth or both. You don't want chips dinging the finish, God knows, and you really want a surface that absorbs both the sound and the kinetic energy of flying chips. Make sure you have plenty of comfy chairs, with pads or pillows for them that wants 'em. This may seem self-evident, but not everyone has seven or eight decent chairs on hand in the home, and the poor fool stuck on the step-stool may send you his chiropractic bill in the morning. Now to chips. Chips are key. Do not, under any circumstances, buy those plinky little wiffle-ridged jobbies they sell at the Thrifto Mart. Those are toys, fit for kids, not for real poker studs like you and yours. You wouldn't serve cognac in a jelly jar, would you? No -- serious poker requires serious chips. At minimum, you'll want to go to a game store or gaming supply house and pick up a set of clay or clay-composite chips. These run in the neighborhood of $25 per 100 chips, and you'll need at least 300 chips, preferably 400 or 500, in three different colors, to host a decent game. If you want to take it to the next level, you can custom-order chips in various styles and designs, with your name or initials snazzily embossed in gold. These chips can cost as much as 40 or 50 cents apiece, but they're well worth it. A good set of poker chips will last a lifetime, and the investment, amortized over years of play, amounts to literally only pennies per game. Take the long view. Buy the most, best chips you can. You'll be glad you did -- and whoever inherits them from you will too. One great source for chips (and in fact all your poker needs) is the Gambler's General Store in scenic and tranquil Las Vegas, Nevada. Contact them at 1-800-322-2447. No sales tax if they ship out of state. I've also had some success trolling for chips at yard sales and flea markets. You can get a swell set, with some history and quality, for not much money if you're prepared to shop around and haggle mercilessly. Chips can be old, but cards must be new. Spanking new, in sealed packs. Use them once, then throw them away. Buy quality brands like Bee or Kem or Bicycle Rider-backs. Get two decks, one blue and one red. That way you'll always have a deck shuffled and ready to go for each new hand. Do not get two decks of the same color, or madness will ensue. Here are the cards you don't want to use: Ancient, bent bridge decks with pictures of big-eyed kittens on the back or naked ladies on the front. While I have no objection to naked ladies (or kittens) on principal, remember that poker is serious business; do nothing to undercut the no-shit quality of your game. FOOD (AND DRINK) FOR THOUGHT What food should you buy for your poker game? The answer is... it depends. If all of your players are coming to the game straight from work, you'll want to have on hand something that looks like dinner. Don't stop at Doritos and dip -- get something from all the basic food groups. Well-fed players are happy players and happy players are easier to beat. (You didn't think this was a charity affair, did you?) If the game's starting later, and people will have eaten their evening meal already, then you can get by with finger food -- nuts, candy, cut veggies. Don't overbuy unless you like leftovers. In my experience, poker players are hungry -- to play poker. In terms of drink, you should supply libations of all kinds, from plain bottled water and soft drinks to beer, wine and sipping liquors. Don't skimp on quality, either. A stylin' microbrew or single-malt scotch can definitely add to the ambiance of the game. After a while, you'll get to know what your players' preferences are, but it's okay to err on the side of lavishness here -- how bad can a bottle of left-over Jack Daniels be? You might want to save your own serious drinking for after the game. Remember what alcohol does best: blurs vision; lowers inhibition; impairs judgment. None of which is likely to improve your play. As a personal preference, I don't drink when I'm playing poker -- but I encourage my opponents to drink their fill. And what about cigars? Though cigars and poker have been linked since the earliest days of Mississippi riverboat gambling, whether to allow smoking in home games is often the subject of discussion or even downright conflict. I know many players who simply refuse to play in smoking games. This may be in their interest, since smoke -- if one finds it irritating -- can affect concentration and degrade the quality of one's play. If you're having trouble filling the game with people who smoke or tolerate smoke, you may have to take breaks and smoke outside, or -- shudder -- declare the game smoke-free. In any event, be considerate of your non-smoking cohorts. Provide them with respect and adequate ventilation at the very least. It's not the host's responsibility to provide cigars for the game, but if you want to, fine. Otherwise, leave it to the individual players to provide their own inhalants, always reminding one and all to keep it legal of course. And yes, in case you wondered, home poker is legal. Not everyone believes this. I know at least one lawyer who simply refuses to play poker for money because she fears... I kid you not... disbarment. I'm here to tell you that that lawyer is full o' beans. As a rule, they can't bust a home poker game so long as the house is not turning a profit on the play. If you're taking a percentage of each pot, or charging the players a seat-rental fee, then yes, you are at some legal risk -- they can bust your narrow white ass. Otherwise, so long as it's a private game in a private place, you can play for money and be within the law. This is true in most states; you might want to check and make sure that it's true in yours, because if you get busted I can't be counted on to throw your bail. On the other hand, you don't need to cover the cost of the game by yourself. The easiest way to defray expenses is to figure out how much you spent on food, drink, etc., and charge each player proportionally. Alternatively, pull some coin from each pot until your costs have been recouped. So long as you explain your plan in advance (and give fair value in terms of food and drink) no one is likely to squawk. Don't be shy about making one and all pay their fair share. A poker game is for everyone's benefit -- everyone should help pay the freight. GAMES PEOPLE PLAY Most home games are "dealer's choice." That is, each player deals in turn and decides in turn what game to play. Nevertheless, it's useful to have guidelines, and always remember that it's your house -- it's your rules. (By the way, one way to streamline your game is to have each dealer in turn ante for everyone. That way you never have any confusion about who has anted and who hasn't in any individual hand.) Avoid wild-card games like the plague. There is simply no way to play serious poker when wild cards predominate. The mere fact of banning wild cards is a key step toward establishing your game as real, serious poker game -- one worth playing and learning and beating. Stick to this rule and you will not go wrong. High-low split games, such as five-card or seven-card stud high-low split, are particularly popular in home poker games. Since each pot offers the possibility of two winners, more people tend to stay in each hand, which creates better action in the game. And action, after all, is why we're here. If you want to be cutting-edge about it, make sure that your home game includes a heaping helping of Texas hold 'em. This game, if you do not know, is the one they play at the World Series of Poker every year at Binion's Horseshoe in Las Vegas. There, the buy-in is $10,000. Here at your home game, where the buy-in is orders of magnitude less, you can still play like the pros if you play hold 'em. In Texas hold 'em, each player gets two cards that only she or he can see. There's a round of betting and then three common cards are turned face-up in the middle of the table. These community cards are used by all players as part of their hand. For instance, if you have two aces in your hand, and the three community cards (collectively known as the flop) are ace-ace-ace, you have five aces. That's a good hand. Too good -- sounds like somebody bought two red decks. After the flop there's a round of betting, then another card is turned over. Then there's another round of betting, and then a final card turned, followed by a final round of betting. The winning hand is the best five-card combination of cards in each player's hand plus the cards on the board. Hold 'em is the reigning king of poker games among serious pros and buffs. If you want to know more about hold 'em (or any popular poker game) check out the Gambler's Book Shop (1-800-522-1777). Their catalog is free. No matter what games you play, or whether you allow wild cards, or smoking or dancing nude on the table top (a practice frowned upon in all but the most liberal co-ed games), it's always best to establish your rules in advance. Write them up so that everyone can refer to them, and then stick to the ones you've made. You're looking for a consistent poker game -- consistent rules will help you get there. Decide in advance, for example, how many raises you'll allow per betting round (three is standard.) Also decide whether you'll allow check-raising, and under what circumstances (majority rule or unanimous vote) the betting limits may change. Definitely decide in advance what time the game will end. Otherwise you'll have disgruntled losers crying, "One more round," until the sun comes up and even the degenerates don't respect you any more. Speaking of degenerates, this may shock you, but people sometimes lose more than they intended. For the health of your home game, and your long-term friendships, try not to lend any money to anyone. Loose credit leads to large losses and bad blood. I've seen the promiscuous use of IOUs kill more than one otherwise great home game. Ben Franklin said it best: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." It's not known whether Ben was speaking in the context of a poker game or not. As host of the game, you'll probably be the "bank" as well, so it's in your specific interest to keep the game on a pay-to-play basis. That way there will be no confusion when the game is over and it's time to settle up. Or clean up... which, by the way, you will inevitably do alone. Poker players are notoriously quick to flee once the last hand has been dealt. No problem... there's still a little Jack left in the bottle to help you with the dishes. IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME A poker game needs to be nurtured. In its first few weeks or months, it may seem to be hanging by a thread. Conversely, you may start out with lots of enthusiasm, but lose players over time as their interest or their bankrolls wane. In any case you'll spend a lot of time in the early days banging your head against the phone trying to keep your fledgling game alive. Eventually, though, you'll have a core group of poker hobbyists (read: foam-at-mouth fanatics) who can be counted on to get out of a hospital bed in order to make the game. You'll round out this core group with a rotating cast of extras, casuals, and one-time-only players. If you find that you're constantly in need of fresh blood, keep your limits low to encourage new players; otherwise, you can raise your limits according to the tastes of the core group. At its best, home poker is many things: spirited competition, buddy bonding, and good clean fun... not to mention a chance to win real money from your friends and fellows. If you've never hosted a poker game, now is the time to try. After all, money won is better than money earned, and money won playing poker is the sweetest cash of all. [sidebar] THE TOP-SHELF SHOPPING LIST CHIPS: 400 to 500 composite chips, custom-embossed with your initials or family crest. Stick to basic colors -- red, white, blue, yellow. Lavender chips get real old real fast. CARDS: I prefer Bee Club Specials, but any brand-new, quality card will do. Make sure you get "poker size," not "bridge size." Beware the pinochle deck! ASH TRAYS: Big ones minimize the mess; stable ones don't fall on the floor. POKER TABLE: Do-it-yourself with a 48-inch diameter octagon cut from a sheet of 3/4-inch plywood. Use adhesive spray to apply green felt to both sides. Put it on any card table for a poker table in an instant. SIDE TABLES: Your poker table's for cards and chips only. Keep food, drink and smokables on plentiful low tables off to the side. BOOK OF RULES: Hoyle will tell you whether your play is "according to Hoyle" or not. Let the experts settle disputes; that's what experts are for. FOOD: Quick 'n' tasty are the watchwords here: Curry rice salad; tuna or sushi; sandwich stuff; veggies and dip; salsa and chips; candy; nuts. DRINK: San Pellegrino; Diet Barqs; Black Dog Ale; Lindemans Bin 65 Chardonnay; the Balvenie DoubleWood Scotch. CIGARS: Anything from Fuente Newman. BANK: Sufficient bills in enough different denominations to cash out all the players when the game is done. THE "A" LIST OF GAMES: Texas hold 'em; five-stud high-low; Omaha; Six Gun (six-card draw, high-low split). Wild cards are strictly déclassé. HOUSE RULES: Smoking permitted by majority vote; three-raise limit; no check-and-raise; wheel low (A-2-3-4-5) is best low; no sniveling. CLEAN-UP SUPPLIES: Trash cans, recycle bins and a good industrial solvent. [sidebar] THE LANGUAGE OF POKER BIG BEN. The new-style $100 bill. BLACK MARIA. A seven-card stud game in which the high hand splits the pot with the high spade in the hole. Also known as high Chicago. GUT SHOT. The card that makes an inside straight. DOG BALLS. A pair of eights. Also known as double infinity. FLOP. The first three cards turned over in community-card games like Texas Hold 'em and Omaha. IN BOSS COMMAND. Having, or seeming to have, the best hand. LOOSE. A player who will bet on anything or call with anything. Most home poker players are loose by definition. NUTS. The best possible hand. "I thought I had the nuts, till Freddy hit his gut-shot straight." ON TILT. Playing drunk, angry or otherwise irrationally. Otherwise known as going postal. SHOE CLERK. A weak or timid player, someone who will fold in the face of a big raise. SWING. The amount of money a player stands to win or lose. "This game has a typical swing of two Big Bens."
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